I’m sitting here bored at work so I decided to log into my dating site & check messages. I know. Stop judging me right now. ANYWAY. This isn’t about that! So an Asian guy sent me a message asking for my email address. I replied back with the dummy one I have specifically for dating purposes. I just received the following email.
…the latest from my online dating adventures tumblr
I have a problem with people doing nice things for me & graciously accepting them. I have no problem doing things for others w/o expecting repayment, but whenever someone tries to do the same for me, I freak out. I have to find some way to repay them even if it isn’t in the same exact way. I never want to come off as a sponge or a user. And I know that people who help me in times of need or do things for me just because are coming from a legit place of kindness, but I still feel some kind of way about it. I’ve been thinking about this more & more recently.
I have a slight idea where this comes from. As a child, I was hella spoiled by my parents. Like everything I ever wanted was handed to me as soon as I had the desire to have it. In return I was expected to keep my grades up & be a problem free child. For the first 18-20 yrs of my life, I was the model child. Mainly bc those before me didn’t live up to expectations and I internalized that to mean that I should shoulder the burden. I also always felt a bit guilty about how much my parents doted on me because many of my friends (& my sibs to some extent) didn’t have that luxury. I also felt it was kinda undue because I wasn’t doing anything extraordinary really. Just doing my best to make them proud & stay outta trouble.
So I think a part of me still feels somewhat undeserving when people bestow random act of kindness upon me. Kinda screwed up, ain’t it?
*puffs cig & walks away*